


What Goes Unsaid

by saintmatrix



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Prom, Regret, Second Chances, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:28:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24819931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintmatrix/pseuds/saintmatrix
Summary: Zach looks back and wonders where it all went wrong.Where, the night of prom is one of reflection, regret and second chances. Maybe all it takes is one song and a memory to put everything into perspective.
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 8
Kudos: 82





	What Goes Unsaid

He doesn’t know at what point he decided to just not care. Maybe it was after Bryce busted his knee for good and took his future with it, or when his mom deemed him a lost cause after said incident and could only spare him fleeting glances of indifference and pity—as though he was responsible for his own demise. 

_Maybe he was. But what did it matter now? He was free._

Under the influence of alcohol, everything felt heightened and possible. Conversations under usual circumstances that would’ve been dull, became thrilling as a result of muddled words, the loss of a filter and a burning desire to be brutally honest. There was, of course, a small voice that quietly nagged him at the back of his mind, reminding Zach that it won't feel this way tomorrow and that his actions would have repercussions, and perhaps ones of great severity. But alas, he was beyond the futile and tiring need to care. 

_Or so he tried to convince himself._

He doesn’t know what it was about Alex that could draw him out of his stupor of complete inebriation. He hated it. He hated how Alex wouldn’t give up on him, wouldn’t judge him and despite it all, still—wouldn’t change him. He knows that much because the shorter boy said so himself. But why? What was there left to salvage? He was a shell of his former self—the big-hearted, compassionate soul that made everyone else his first priority was gone. He missed caring like that. Sometimes he missed Alex completely _needing_ him—physically and emotionally because maybe he needed that sense of purpose and fulfilment more than Alex himself. He needed to exist for a reason, or what did existing matter? 

Or maybe he just needed Alex. 

He thought about that night a lot. He thought about it after he saved him from drowning, he thought about it when he believed his last moments were to be spent with Winston of all people, after Chloe's rejection, after the car crash, after he practically forced Alex to pursue Charlie— _after, after, after._

_He wished he hadn’t._

* * *

He’s happy for them. Truly, he is. Charlie— Charlie’s everything Zach isn’t or maybe he’s everything he used to be, but better. He didn’t lead his best friend to a rooftop in the middle of the night to walk across a ledge that nearly led to his impending death, or coerce him into a canoe, preaching about living a life of absolutely no _fucks_ to which said friend almost drowned. He wasn’t going to be the end of Alex—not the way Zach was. 

_Ironic, huh? You practically nurse him back to mobility only to nearly put him back at square one?_

_Fuck you._

* * *

They’re crowned prom kings. It’s fitting really—Charlie was the star quarterback after all, and the football team held the votes by a milestone. Alex looked happy, he looked—beautiful, content and _free_. His shoulders were devoid of the tension that Zach had become familiarised with whenever the brunette came to fetch him from another dubious location after a heavy night of drinking, forehead free from any lines of furrowed concern and lips relaxed, unlike the thin line of discontent that Zach had come to know recently. Alex wouldn’t ever express his disappointment—he wasn’t one to make you feel less than but Zach knew him, and that meant he knew enough. He knew that he was hurting him, but he did it anyway. 

Zach wanted to run. He knew he was a coward, but the urge to flee was consuming his bones with the tingling need to smother the onslaught of incoming emotions with a drink but—he had to be here, he owed at least that to Alex. He owed his best friend a memorable prom night, and if that meant supporting Alex and his boyfriend—he could at least give him that. 

But _fuck_ , it hurt. Zach was the textbook definition of ‘too little, too late’. He wasn’t naive enough to believe that the brewing emotions were newfound, but he was manipulative enough to convince himself that they didn't matter—that he could find solace in friendship alone. Why risk that? But then Alex had gone and kissed him at his worst, and it all went to shit. 

Sometime during the night, he had lost Prismilla and now he stood hidden amongst the crowd feigning nonchalance as Charlie took Alex’s hand for the first dance. He kept up the same pretence when Charlie softly kissed Alex, swallowing at the shards of glass lodged in his throat as his heart lurched in agony. He somehow managed to keep a cap on the emotions that were threatening to implode at any second right until that _song_ came on. 

_Nothing you say_

_Will ever be wrong_

_'Cause it just feels good being in your arms_

The next thing he knew, he was transported two years back to that night in Alex’s room. The night that had felt so uncomplicated, so easy, so free—so _them_. It might’ve been that moment when Zach had an inkling of what he’d been feeling or maybe it was months before that when Alex’s easy smile at Jess would be reason for him to look the other way and swallow the lump in his throat. He thinks he sees Alex flinch against Charlie’s shoulder when the music comes on but—that might just be wishful thinking on his behalf. 

_And I'm running with you_

_As fast as I can_

_Singing to myself I wanna hold your hand_

He can’t do this. It’s too much all at once. There it goes again, Zach’s inner dialogue. It whispers to him, "You lost him, too late, no way back, coward, loveless..." The world seemed closer to his eyes and the air became soupier, making it harder to breathe. A glossy sheen that wasn't there before now coats his eyes and his thoughts scatter like there's an electrical storm in his head, too many short-circuits to make any sense. All the while the only thing that comes through is "You're done, it's over, too little, too late...". 

_But I love him._

His eyes were burning and his chest felt heavy as if it were filled with lead. Zach could no longer see clearly and right before he was about to take his mess of a heartache elsewhere he decided to spare Alex one last glance. 

_He shouldn’t have._

Alex was swaying along to Charlie’s rhythm but his eyes were already on Zach and that did nothing to quell his impending breakdown. Alex’s gaze was all too familiar, brows furrowed and mouth slightly gapping in what?—Zach doesn’t know exactly. Maybe it's nostalgia, a longing to go back to simpler times, maybe it's indignation at Zach’s cursing presence or just acknowledgement of what they had—what they _could have had_. But Alex doesn’t look away, so neither does Zach. 

_And we're going downtown_

_'Cause we feel like running around_

_Is it really this fun when you're on my mind_

_Is it really this cool to be in your life_

Zach decided that this was the moment where he’d completely bare himself open in that unspoken language only he and Alex shared. He knows that Alex will know because—they’re Zach and Alex, they’re are nothing if not their knowledge and love for the other. Alex's eyes, the colour of springtime ferns bore into Zach’s and he feels his heart beat pick up even more. Alex’s eyes spoke volumes—warped with tentative longing, unspoken confessions, remerging heartache and a— _chance._ Zach hoped that he managed to convey all that he was feeling in return, he felt raw, unmade and completely bare— _I love you, I'm sorry, maybe in another lifetime, you deserve better, you saved me, I am better because of you._ He thinks Alex must have understood some of what he was trying to express because he took a sharp breath and looked at Zach more poignantly, if that was even possible—or maybe it was because of the single tear that had made its way down his cheek. He doesn’t know how long they looked at each other but Zach couldn’t handle another second of seeing Alex in the arms of another or Alex’s now distraught expression—so, with a watery smile, he left. 

_There's one thing I'll do_

_If it ever goes wrong_

_I'll write you into my all of my songs_

* * *

Once outside the building, Zach broke. His chest heaved with a quiet sob, and tears welled up behind his eyelids, slipping down his cheeks without resistance. Another sob wracked him, followed by a thin wail that he concealed behind his palm. 

He had lost everything—his future, his family, his own state of mind, _everything_. 

But somehow before, everything didn’t feel so painful until now but maybe that was because Alex—was _everything_. 

“Are you free? You know with being okay with not being happy or whatever…,” Alex asked softly.

 _Fuck._ He fucked up everything. Of course, his melodramatic spectacle would end up with Alex following him—it's what they did, sacrifice for each other, time and time again. Zach thinks he hated himself the most at that very moment.

He refused to look at him, even as he heard Alex’s tentative footsteps make their way towards him. When Zach cried it was never a trickle and it never started in his eyes. It began as a feeling in his chest and a pang of sadness in his brain. The leaking water was only a blessed release, it was one way for his body to cope. But now it just made him feel worse because his tears fell over a loss he caused—the loss of the one real thing he’d ever known. 

“Zach…,” Alex whispered, his name came out wrecked from the shorter boy's mouth like he himself was also about to fall apart.

That caught Zach’s attention immediately because _fuck_ , now he had made Alex upset. All he ever did was hurt him—he needed to fix this. He tentatively turned himself toward Alex, and Alex sharply inhaled as red, tear-rimmed eyes stared back at him, with watery streaks staining Zach’s honey-golden skin. Zach saw the sheen behind Alex’s eyes that also threatened to escape and immediately engulfed the smaller boy in an embrace. 

In Alex’s embrace, the world stopped still on its axis. There was no time, no wind, no rain. Zach’s mind was at peace. How could it be that he hadn't seen Alex’s love for what it was before? Pure. Unselfish. Undemanding. Free. Uneven breathy gasps reverberated from Zach as he ran his hand through Alex’s locks, breathing in the intoxicating smell of Alex’s favourite vanilla and frangipani shampoo. Alex’s arms tightened around Zach’s waist, as he nudged his face further into the taller boy’s chest.

Fuck, is this what happiness was? Was being in Alex’s familiar embrace enough for Zach to be happy? Was love this simple yet this difficult? Almost on instinct they’d both closed their eyes and began swaying to the mellowed rhythm of the music, while their hands had unconsciously found their way into each other’s grasp. This felt so right—Zach had never felt something so purely _right_ , Alex was it. It was always Alex. 

Once the stupor had ended, Zach became hyper aware of just how close Alex was—he was on the rooftop all over again but this time he was going to do it right. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see life with a clearer view again. 

Alex’s eyes gazed up at Zach with sleepy contentment—eyes that were hues of the forest, surrounded with dark moss, the kind of earthy green that revived the grass after a cruel, unforgiving winter. Zach thinks that he could lose himself in those eyes for as long as Alex allowed him to. Whether Zach’s hands coming up to cupp Alex’s cheeks or Alex’s even tighter grasp on Zach’s waist was bound to culminate to their evidential demise—it went unnoticed by the pair because only moments later, their lips found each other in muted anticipation. 

When Zach kissed Alex, his entire world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below Alex’s ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled. Alex ran his fingers down Zach’s spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and Zach could feel the beating of his heart against Alex’s chest. Alex pulled them apart after what seemed like an eternity, even as Zach tried to chase his lips to avoid returning to their complicated reality. 

“Wow—,” Alex chuckled breathlessly, lips bruised and eyes glazed with that wanderlust gaze that was only reserved for Zach. 

Coming back to himself, Zach realised exactly what he’d ruined—he’d ruined Alex’s chance at happiness with Charlie by being a selfish prick, _no surprise there._ And just like that, Zach was losing him again.

“I—uh, listen. I—I’m, I shouldn’t have done that—I know you’re with Charlie and—”.

Before Zach could finish his incoherent rant, Alex’s lips found his again. Alex kissed him like he wanted to be kissed, in a way no boy or girl had ever kissed him, soft and moist and hot and breathy, not trying to win a battle but seeking union and closeness and the sharing of one breath, one sensation, one timeless and passionate moment. The heat rose in his cheeks as Alex’s tongue touched the taller boys’ tongue, quick and electric and delicious, then firmer, more determined, more curious about the heat that lay within, seeking to chase down that elusive liquid lightning that reached through both of them.

After pulling away and not even giving himself a moment to breathe Alex fumingly said, “Don’t you get it, Zach? Have you always been this fucking dense—do you really think I would have followed you out here without—without knowing what I was about to throw away?”

Taking Zach’s silence as permission he continued, “And—I did it knowingly. I let it _—him_ go because… I was okay with it and because you—”.

Zach could blame his next admission on the adrenaline of teenage angst and endorphins but it would be the furthest thing from the truth.

“I’m in love with you!” Zach almost screamed, both relieved at the weight lifting but moments from finding the nearest cliff to throw himself off.

He swore he saw Alex’s brain stutter for a moment, the shorter boy’s face stuck in an incredulous expression and unblinking stare for an agonizing few minutes before returning to a state of softened annoyance, and a tinge of amusement.

“Yeah?”

It was Zach’s turn to gape like a fish, typical Alex—it was exactly like him to take something completely life-changing and downplay it to a casual parley. 

“Yes—you complete asshole,” Zach spat with fake malice, voice filled with mutual amusement and disbelief at the turn of events. 

“Well… took you long enough,” Alex taunted, eyes brewing with mischief as he moved agonizingly slowly toward Zach until there were mere centimetres between their lips.

“Shut the fuck up and kiss me,” Zach demanded lowly.

Alex’s kiss stole the words Zach didn't need to say. In that silence all of their secrets were laid bare, all of their passions and the spark of love that existed between them. At that moment, wallowing in the love he felt for the other boy, Zach was strong. Everything was finally put into perspective. 

“I’m in love with you too, always”

“Always” 

_And if suddenly I die_

_I hope they will say_

_That he was obsessed and it was okay_

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, hope you enjoyed this one-shot that I quite literally pulled out of my ass. It has been two weeks since the finale and I am yet to reconcile a world where Zach and Alex are not in love being the soulmates that they are destined to be. Sooo, being the eager and angry fans that we are, Zalex nation has demanded closure in the form of a spin-off. A petition and carrd has been made in hopes of gathering a large audience to further our request. Please consider signing the petition at least 30 x a day for about 4 weeks as the campaigners believe we will be able to gather 10K+ signatures if as little as 20 ppl participated adamantly. The links are below. Also, the song is Majical Cloudz - Downtown and real Zalex stans know what this was the song playing in the back when Zach and Alex danced in Alex's room back in S2.
> 
> 13rw/zalex spin-off petition - http://chng.it/DHStTSgnLw  
> carrd - https://13rwzalexspinoff.carrd.co/


End file.
